I feel like I've gotten quieter and more guarded. I'm not sure if I like this state of being, but it's a result of my recent realization about how fickle my feelings are and yet how often I used to believe them and act on them.

Once someone said to me, "I really appreciate that you don't wear your heart on your sleeve." It's an apt description, I think. I'm usually reserved and polite, diplomatic and very non-confrontational. And I'm becoming even more extremely so. But the flip side is that I'm holding a lot in, even more than I use to. I don't complain or whine, I don't speak of my doubts and worries. I don't reveal my secret insecurities, nor sincere affections.

One of the expeirnece that still dominates my head is how intensely I felt while I was recording my album this summer. How thoroughly I felt that I should just stop and give up, to free myself of this burden. The truth is, I didn't give in to that voice not out of sheer determination or will. I just went on with it because I'm bad at letting it go. Well -- perhaps I'm not giving myself enough credit. Somewhere along there was also a small, still voice that whispered "don't trust your feelings right now. Don't make decisions based on it. Tomorrow you will feel differently." I was right to listen to that voice. I didn't know it then, but I was right, thank God.

That feeling was so strong and vivid. The sweet relief of letting it all go -- rid myself of life-long burden and go look for a new me and new mission in life. I could smell and taste the freedom in that thought. It felt so real, so right.

Yet that would have been wrong. Very. Running away from the biggest creative challenge of my life would have defined the rest of my life -- it's not unrecoverable but it would have cast a long, long shadow. God knows I was very close.

Now I feel a bit like Spock -- born with feelings, but now very distrusting and suspicious of it. It's hard because I'm a very emotional person, (my wife calls me melodramatic) and feelings are often intense and strong. Yet now I don't trust them. I don't act out of them. I don't epxress them. I do nothing. I just hold it inside to see how the tides change. I listen more to my logic. I say and do things I don't feel like to. I think I'm more consistent now, but inside my feelings are waging a raging battle, trying to regain control over my psyche.

I think this is a natural extension of what I experienced, though I'm not sure if it's entirely correct. I would like more control over my own actions, that's for sure. We are what we act, not what we think or feel. (Thank God for that, too) But holding it all in can't be healthy. I am a very passionate person at heart, and bottling it all just can't be good. Maybe I just need bigger and more effective outlets. I've been interested in weight lifting for a while, and I love to swim. And I need to journal more -- I started keeping personal journals, in addition to these extended blog entries in two languages. My output is quite large. ;-)

This new inner conflict between logic and feelings adds to my post-production state of relative lack of desire/interest, putting me in a pretty weird feeling place. I'm in transition, like I said before -- I'm not exactly sure who I am at the moment. I'm not terribly pessimistic, though I could use more trust and optimism. I don't have strong desires for anything. And because I'm keeping my feelings in check, I have less to say or do than ever before. I'm just here, sitting and letting each day pass, wondering, waiting... seeing where the tide will take me. I'm not exactly at peace, but my voice of reason tells me that there's no need to fret.

"Don't just do something, just stand there," somone once said.