I used to have it all wrong.

Before, my goal was on becoming a musician. I even wrote a blog about it recently, because we musicians talk about it all the time. How to "make it." (I deleted that entry when I started this one. I felt weird about posting it anyway -- as if that's not something I should say. Having stumbled on today's topic, it really made it clear to me why I felt weird about that post)

Well, turns out, there's a big difference between wanting to make music and wanting to become a musician. The latter is about status. The latter is about the activity, the skill, the identity. But to obtain it, which used to be, and still sort of is, my goal, I resorted to all kinds of manipulations. Things like, oh -- "should I take this job, will it advance me in my career?" or "if I befriend this person, will that help me down the road?" used to, and still cross my mind. Doesn't that sound ugly and manipulative? Well, it is.

A good friend of mine once told me that she had skills but didn't have a story to tell. I think that really points out the bottom of all our problems. If we aspire to make art, I think first we need to start with something we must say to the world. Something we're literally dying to say. Not because we're megalomaniac or anything, but because we feel that we can't stay alive without doing it. And we believe that the world is in need of it badly. It doesn't have to be a song -- it can be an image, a story, an act, a statement. It is my belief that if we get through all the superficial junk and dig down to the bottom of our souls, we find that thing we must say or do in the world, in this life. From there on, doing that thing becomes the focal point of our life.

The difference seems subtle but it's anything but. Instead of manipulating the world to suit my needs, doing my best to deliver the message. Promotion becomes the act of letting people know that I have something to say, something that may be worth hearing, instead of trying to make other people like me. The focus is not on becoming something, but on doing something. I'm still in transition, but it's been a profound change.

A scary one at that, too. Since I believe this is at least a big part of my life's mission, failure was not an option. To fail -- either to discover that my songs weren't all that I cracked them up to be, or that I just didn't do justice to my songs, somehow messed up the delivery -- would mean I failed at one of the most important things to do in my life. I faced that possibility a number of times over the course of the recording -- sometimes they even seemed like the likely outcome -- and I was really scared. How would I live the rest of my life, knowing that I failed at doing one of the most important things? I'm sure I'd go on with my life, but at what cost? What would it take to really get over it and find a new meaning in life?

Big, hefty challenge, for sure. And in the end, I did give it my all -- for whatever its worth. I know that this particular recording's got everything I got, and then some. I still am not completely certain about how I feel about the outcome. Does it live up to the hefty burden I put upon them? I think I need some more time before I come to that conclusion. Plus, reactions/acceptance from others do affect my perception, too. But as of now I can't really do better than this. If it turns out to be not good enough, then hopefully I'll be able to forgive myself, and live on without regrets.

I am still in transition, but I definitely am less concerned about becoming a musician. I think more about making music. I think that if the world truly needs my music, it'll find a way to let me know, and to make me a way for me to do more. That part is not up to me, and like I said, it does affect my perception of whether I succeeded or not -- but it's really not the central part of my concern. Sure, I'll promote my music, because I have the responsibility to let people know about it, as long as I believe that there is some value to it. But it's really not about making this or that happen. I'll just present it, and me, its creator, as honestly as I can, and then will accept whatever happens to be the world's judgment of it.

Still, these are the stories I needed to tell, and having gotten to a point where I finally get to release it to the world, I feel an immense sense of accomplishment and relief. What exactly am I saying with these songs? That, you have to listen to them and figure it out. I do have to tell you that I am not finished -- this story is made up of two albums, this first release tells the first half. I have a pretty good idea of where the story is going and how it's going to end. The entire story and its message to me becomes clearer and clearer the more I live with them. In fact, it's been telling me things I didn't realize at the time of making these songs. It's been the most fascinating journey. I hope it means something to you, too.

The mastering is finally finished. The release will come shortly.